Posted 3:52 AM by danielgingras
The Christmas season is a time for "cheer", "festiveness", and "merry yuletide spirit." Instead of instilling any of these in me, christmas decided to rectify me the proud possesor of "Magnetic Darts: The Game with no Point!" as well as several other fantastic lumps of coal masquerading as fancifully wrapped presents. Seriously, the 12 inch x 10 inch roll up magnetic dart board I received boasts the slogan "The Game with no point!" and evens adds in the all important exclamation point, for extra emphasis towards the connotation, "The Game that blows chunks out my ass!" I think I'm going to hide in my office while my sister plays Barbie's Riding Club on her computer, and just as she recieves the ultimate high score and unlocks "Pony-tron, the most powerful barbie themed horse in the universe," I'm going to pounce out of hiding and smather my magnetic dart board all over her hard drive. But not before I annoy her by turning on my blue light-up pen and pretend to write in mid air in the general direction of her eyes. That's the plan, as long as I don't poke out my own eyes out of boredom with my shiny brand new "Klutz Table Top Football." I think the message my parents are trying to send me is "Get beligerantly drunk, because none of the shit we gave you for christmas is going to be any fun unless you go .75 BAL and hallucinate the fun inbetween streches of vomiting." At least, I think thats what the card on my 6 pack of cotton socks said.

On a closing note, You never know how funny it is to wear 6 socks on each foot while drinking until you try it. Seriously.

Posted 4:13 AM by danielgingras
Shockingly, my faithful visits to the Gronk over the past few weeks became increasingly detrimental to my humour health. While on TheGronk.com I frequently experienced sensations not unlike waking up beside a girl so ugly I’d no escape but to gnaw one of my own appendages off. This was a cause of great confusion to me, as TheGronk.com’s slogan is “Feel the Love,” not “Gnaw your legs off.” As much as I do enjoy gnawing on things, like sunflower seeds and the English language, there was no choice but for me to look into the situation, and then to write about the whole thing in an article that nobody will ever read.

Gronkitis: A condition worse than anal hemorrhaging

The Symptoms:

Visits became more cold and mechanical (like my sexual fiascos with John Oldfield’s mom); the tingle I once experienced while waiting for the page to load was reduced to a feeling reminiscent of my food poisoning escapades at Phillip’s International Inn.

Symptom #1 - (PIIIFPF) - Exciting Gronk tingle diminished and replaced with “Phillips International Inn Induced Food Poisoining Flashback”

A short History of PIIIFPF- Phillips International Inn, PII, or as I like to call it, "The Large intestine of Fine Dining," is a lucrative food enterprise. If I were to discard a big burlap sack labeled “Old Shellfish” in the general vicinity of PII, it is more than likely that it would no sooner be utilized as the major ingredient in their line of breakfast "omelets" than you can say “Oh shit I have to go to the bathroom and hurl, I forgot I had Phillips Inn for breakfast today.” “Omelet”, as we all know, is the German word for "stomach pain", and my consumption of one such so called "omelet" resulted in three vibrant days of what Germans call "diarrhea."

My Gronk induced digestional nostalgia was not eased by the bitmap logo that accosted my eyes upon the loading of the page. It looked as though it had been scribbled by an 8 year old girl with no feet. I say no feet because this particular little girl must have fallen over and landed on her head a lot as an infant to have ever drawn something so stupid. The fact that her scribbles made it to bitmap form is testament to the amazing restraint of the little girl for not acting on one of her many foolish inclinations, like eating her own computer.

Symptom # 2 – Burning Sensation in the Ocular Region accompanied with irrational hatred and lashing out.

To help alleviate Symptom # 2, imagine the following humourous scenario.

Muffy, The 8 year old No-Footed Gronk Girl: MUUURR! *drools*

Daniel: No Muffy! BAD! No eating your computer!

Muffy, The 8 year old No-Footed Gronk Girl: *Begins to try and color her own tongue black with a permanent marker *

Daniel: Who gave Gronk Girl that goddamn marker? You know she’s not allowed to hold anything not completely rounded.

The Angry Tibetan Monk: One time, In a blizzard in Tibet, I had to eat almost three quarters of my best friend Sherpa to keep from starving to death:

Daniel: What the fuck, Monk, you're not in the script.

The Angry Tibetan Monk: Fuck you! When I was insolent in Tibet, my parents put me in roller skates and pushed me down a mountain. Do you have any idea how hard it is to scale the face of a mountain in roller skates?

Daniel: What’s… What’s that on your hands Monk, let me see your damn hands. You have marker all over your hands! God damnit Monk, How many times have I told you not to give the Gronk Girl permanent markers!

Muffy, The 8 year old No-Footed Gronk Girl: MUUURR! *The largest of Muffy's drool ropes reaches all the way to her foot stumps as she squirms with excitement, and starts on an elaborate counterclockwise twisting of the marker that is now up her nose*

The Angry Tibetan Monk: No longer living under to oppressive ways of the Tibetan government, I am free to do whatever I want. Now shut up before I throw a llama at you.

Symptom # 3 - Blank and emotionless face, completely devoid of laughter, interest, or intent of any kind.

I think this last symptom of Gronkitis is fairly self-explanatory, not to mention prevalent within the preceding half-assed skit. Speaking of half-assed, I give up on my analysis of Gronkitis. In a last minute judgment, I deem Gronkitis an incurable chronic condition, and urge you instead to support the efforts of the AFLGF.

If you would like to support the American Foundation for Little Girls without Feet (the AFLGF), please send a donation in a plain white envelope to:

The Daniel Gingras sect of AFLGF

Sierra Madre Hall

1 Grande Ave Bldg 113

San Luis Obispo, CA, 93410-2000

Contributors will receive an official hand signed response from the sect’s President, Daniel Gingras, and an entry in TheGronk.com’s official drawing to select one lucky contributor and post his or her very own original rant on the Gronk front page.
Please, no checks.